Last night I held you in my arms..

I just woke up crying.
I had to turn on my computer as soon as I could to write about the dream I just had.
I can't explain how I feel.

It was just Ricky and I. He was laying there in a white button down collared shirt and his hair was gelled like it was in high school. In my dream he was still dead and I knew that so I laid there holding him, hugging him and kissing him. I kept telling him how much I loved him and then he started talking back.

He told me he wanted penny candy and he laid there with his eyes closed telling me about all the kinds he liked. We both agreed that satellite wafers were the best and that they looked like alien spaceships. I started describing all the different sized jawbreakers they have at the worlds longest penny candy counter that I went to in the white mountains and told him that he should go there.

I've never talked to Ricky about penny candy ever..I couldn't even tell you his favorite candy bar. But for some reason I had this dream and it was so vivid that i'm freaked out. Everything was so real. His body was warm as I held it. You know sometimes in dreams the people look different than who they are..or your house in your dream isn't really your house at all? Well it was Rick. Clear as day.

I was upset but happy as I held him... no one else was around, it was only me and him.
I said to him "I'll see you later" and he said "This is later" and then he twitched...went cold and didnt' say another word.

I still can't really pin-point how I feel after this dream. I don't care if every person that knows him says he doesn't like penny candy. I'm 100% positive that was him coming to say hi and say goodbye to me. Something that real and life like can't be a dream. It was frightening but I got to tell him how much I love him and how much i'm going to miss him ...something I never got to do.

I love you Ricky. Don't be shy...you can visit my dreams anytime you want...even if I cry.

I want to rewind and say goodbye.

I'm feeling pretty down right about now. Woke up at 8:30am to a phone call relaying terrible news. It's probably not a good thing that when I get a phone call that early I automatically know what the call is. It's just trying to figure out who the calls about before they tell me that's the hard part.

For a town as small as mine and a class that's even smaller there's no fucking reason why 4 of my classmates have died 2 of which were good friends. Ricky is such a sweetheart. Always smiling, upbeat and cracking jokes about you to your face cause it's funny.

If only I had known you were at the Bistro last night I would have come in for a drink, a hug and a goodbye. Everyone who knew you will miss you because you were so fun to be around, always positive too. You and Jim were one in the same. Both of you were such awesome fucking people who never said a bad word about anyone and in turn no one could say anything bad about you. People always tend to say that when someone dies but with you (and Jim) its the truth, and losing both of you affects a ton of people (sadly the same group of kids).

I'm devastated that you can't make fun of me anymore or meet up for a few drinks but i'm lucky enough to have shared the past 10 years with you snowboarding, hanging at Scotty's beach and boozing. It's too bad that poor choices lead to poor consequences. If you knew how much you meant to so many people maybe things would have ended differently.

Every day I will drive by that spot and think of you. That spot will remind me how valuable life is and how good it is to have close friends.

Now Jim will have some company and you guys can laugh and keep a watchful eye on the rest of us. I'll see you in my dreams cause Jim always pops in to wave and say hi. We'll miss you terribly Ricky.