Video Update #3

Today...

India Point Park.

so quiet. relaxing. calm.

it's my new safe haven.

Secrets don't make friends. Or do they?

I can't talk to anyone about this.

A few people know, , but even them...they really don't know the half of it.

All I know is that this all needs to pass or else i'm fucked.

Side bar... I started reading again. cool.

And I'm going to sweat myself to sleep tonight as well.

Nobody likes you when you're 23.

Whoa. This week has been a fucking trip. So much good mixed with bad that I can't even decide if it equals out to being a good week.The Good:

+ I got to assist another advanced education at Toni and Guy and got to hang with some amazing hairdressers that I look up to

+ Got a Keratin treatment on my hair and its SO much healthier

+ I worked at Providence Style week doing hair for the runway

+ Saw PBC and Lemuria on Friday night

+ Mental break from working at the restaurant

+ Friends are home from tour for a weekish

The Bad:

- I lost money by not working all week

- I turned my love, Lisa's hair purple which resulted in her cutting off her platinum hair off and dying it jet black. fucking fail.

- I realized it's been a year since Ricky has died. This one really kills me. I think about him every single day and wish I could just wrap my arms around him. His picture will forever stay in my wallet. They say 'out of sight out of mind' but I never want him that for him.

- I'm almost done at Toni and Guy. 1 week left. I'm going to miss SO many outstanding people

arighaeurghjaergjerag

I want to go to Six Flags on Friday. and I need to book my flight to Arkansas.

I also need to get my license for RI and then MA. ASAP!!!!!!!! so I can start at Shag..I hope?

I'm crashing.

I think too much

I'm over thinking a lot. I always appear to be stressing out over numerous things at any given time when everyone around me seems at ease. I'm a ball of stress all the time. I hate this. Today I have good reason..I have my state board written examination to get my cosmetology license. This has been a goal of mine since 8th grade and the thought of fucking up scares me.

Not only is the direction of my career eating away at me ...my personal life is out of whack too. I'm entirely mixed up on what I should be doing and who I should honestly devote my time to. Plus there's someone that keeps crossing my mind more often than not but i'm scared to pursue anything......

We aren't supposed to figure ourselves out.

OK. so. here's what i've been thinking.

Some people, not all, but most are always trying to "find themselves" or "figure themselves out".

Point is. We aren't meant to. I don't think that we'll ever get a grasp of our true selves. We can speculate about how we think we are...but it's impossible to really see ourselves. Introspection is biased because we are in our own heads 24/7. The only ones who can accurately describe our personalities/traits are outsiders because they see a whole different perspective, one that we can't see as individuals.

..I'm curious to see how people actually view me.

Amazing weekend of hair!

It all started with today

Today, I awoke in the most unusually awesome mood. The sun was just barely beaming through my bedroom window which I had left open all night letting the cool air filter out my stuffy, winter staleness of my room. I got out of bed feeling so refreshed even after my draining drive home from MA to RI...and falling sleep behind the wheel (again). I made breakfast, had coffee by the window and relaxed before working.

Anyway...

after having a solid night at work I went and hung with the boys. I really love being one of the boys sometimes. There's no drama, jealousy, competition, or bullshit. Joe, Jay, Eric and I just hung around listening to music and then we all biked down to Trinity to have a chill night and play pool. You know, I've never biked around Providence before and it was amazing. I hate this city but tonight was different. The ride was dark, cool, quiet, and calming. My legs were tired and my hands were cold but I didn't think about it. All I felt was a sense of tranquility. Even with all of the cars racing by it still seemed quiet to me. I don't know. Tonight was just really good. It's nights like these that make me feel confident that RI isn't a shit hole full of shit fucks. I love my girl friends but when I'm with the boys I almost revert back to when I was little. No cares just fun and letting go. I can be myself because there's no need to impress or hold back. It's really an awesome feeling.

I have a bunch of other madness going on in my head but i'm focusing on the positive points at the moment.

Spirits up. Windows down.

I continue to use my gut to decipher the secrets around me, and i'm doing a really good job.

Other than that...every day that the sun shines is a day I can enjoy.

Events in my life are consistently mediocre...but someday that'll change.