61 years

Well it was bound to happen.
January 2010 has shit on so many people already...that it was only a matter of time before things got rocky for me.
My grandpa died a week ago and the whole situation has really fucked with me. I've been to a fair share of wakes and funerals...including 2 close friends but I have yet to feel the mourning of a family member so close to me. It's been hard for me to deal with..but I feel like i'm being selfish by being upset. Afterall...I didn't lose my companion of 61 years. It breaks my heart to see my Yaya widowed. So painful to sit and watch my grandmother weep in distress over the loss of her husband. Fuck. It's so upsetting and I fear getting married because I to will face this fate. I understand its a part of life but it still hard to swallow the idea of your love dying on you and leaving you alone after a few decades.

But you know what...when/if i'm going to get married it's going to be the real deal. I want to have a husband for 50+ years. I want my love life to be comparable to the "old days". I want a guy who will open my doors and help me put my jacket on. I posted this on FB a little bit ago and it elicited 100+ comments...most people saying "chivalry is dead. Well I think they're wrong. There has to be an old soul out there like myself who wants things done the old fashioned way still. I'm all about progression, technology and the future. But people forget and move beyond the great things of the past. Morals. Values. Thoughts. Even the music was different, how people treated one another. I definitely was born in the wrong era. Maybe I appreciate the vintage days because I was raised on a lot of stuff from the 50's and 60's. I spent a lottt of time with my grandparents and I wasn't watching Barney or Sesame Street. I was watching Laverne and Shirly, Happy Days, I Dream of Jeannie, Bewitched, Meet Me In St. Louis, etc. And we sat in the living room listening to his old records. Legit vinyls. I only want kids if they are raised how I was. No Hannah Montana or bullshit of the sort. They won't be listening to the trash on the radio either. I'll throw on some Sam Cooke and Ella Fitzgerald because that music is real.

I don't even now. There's s much on my mind!

WHOA... what a tangent. Moral of that rant: I miss my fucking grandpa. I miss everything about him and I'm thankful to have known someone so amazing for 23 years. Some kids don't know there grandparents at all. Some only had 10 years with them. And some never built relationships like the one I have with mine. I truly am thankful. Instead of being sad I should be happy that I had as much time with him as I did. And I should be happy to have been raised the way that I have.

1/2 okay. 1/2 not okay

1/2 of things in my life are going well. As far as career related things I'm right where I want to be. I want my career in the hair industry to take me to every corner of my own imagination. I want to push myself beyond anything I could have imagined and continue to grow as a stylist. This is the most important thing to me. This isn't really a "career"...this is a lifestyle. My lifestyle. Cutting hair is my outward expression of creativity. Every head I touch is a blank canvas and my job is to match my vision with the clients vision to create a cohesive piece of art. I've wanted this since 8th grade and it's crazy that it's happening. I've literally dreamed and fantasized of behind behind the chair and now I'm 5 months into it. It's unreal to me when I step back and see that my goal of 8 years is underway!

Fucking shit.
The other half of my life that is not going so well is trivial really and it's ridiculous that I'm even letting something so out of my hands get into my head. I've been single for over 2 years. I don't even know what to make of it. It's not that I want to force jumping into another relationship but I would think..that after 2 years and a lot of change in my surroundings might let me meet someone? And it's not that I couldn't acquire a boyfriend...because I could, people have showed/told me their interest in me. But for SOME reason...the lovely gentlemen that are interested IN ME do not match the gentlemen I WANT as a companion. WHY IS THIS.
Oh wait..my favorite part is when I like someone...they show interest...everything is rad between us, then it gets ripped out from under me. That's awesome. It's happened twice so far and I always get left with the shit end of the stick. Somehow.

I'm surrounded by all these goddamn relationships with their PDA, facebook updates "with my babyyyy <3" and cute fucking make out pictures. PUKE PUKE PUKE. I feel like someone is literally rubbing shit in my face, winking at me, and then walking away hand in hand with their lover. I feel as though I have a lot to offer and I've crossed the paths of some who I thought would be a good match and it fell apart. Everyone tells me I like douche bags but I don't think that's the case. I'm not sure what the issue is..and I'm not going to try and figure it out.

There's nothing fucking wrong with me, right? I don't know.

Ugh..someone caught my eye recently but I'm not acting upon it. I can't. I'm all set with being let down again. I don't know what i'm going to do..but I know i'm going to do nothing.

Maybe this year......

Maybe this year I'll get myself off of the floor.
Maybe I won't .
Things might get better, yeah I might change
But I don't care at all

And maybe this year I'll get myself off of the floor
And try to pretend
That things are getting better, that I'm changing
But I still feel the same
I still feel the same
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Oh January. You create a lot of hype and allow a lot of promises to be broken. Everyone's false hopes for the year are disguised as resolutions. Every year i'm anti-resolution because I feel that every day is a new day and you can make positive changes in your life every single day you wake up. 01/01/2010 is the same as 05/09/2009, which is the same as 07/25/1998. They're numbers, assigned to a day, which is only really relevant in terms of timing/scheduling things.

So twenty-ten...i'm holding true to my resolution...of not making a resolution because everyday is a day to start fresh, move on from your mistakes and make new choices to positively influence your life. I don't like being unrealistic and I think I'll skip the disappointment factor of a broken resoltuon to myself. Think about your resolution from last year..or the year before...and now think if you actually followed through with that after 3 months. I doubt it.

I know what I need to do to make myself a better person and improve upon my flaws. I don't need January 1st as a marker for self improvement..just sayin