Last night I held you in my arms..

I just woke up crying.
I had to turn on my computer as soon as I could to write about the dream I just had.
I can't explain how I feel.

It was just Ricky and I. He was laying there in a white button down collared shirt and his hair was gelled like it was in high school. In my dream he was still dead and I knew that so I laid there holding him, hugging him and kissing him. I kept telling him how much I loved him and then he started talking back.

He told me he wanted penny candy and he laid there with his eyes closed telling me about all the kinds he liked. We both agreed that satellite wafers were the best and that they looked like alien spaceships. I started describing all the different sized jawbreakers they have at the worlds longest penny candy counter that I went to in the white mountains and told him that he should go there.

I've never talked to Ricky about penny candy ever..I couldn't even tell you his favorite candy bar. But for some reason I had this dream and it was so vivid that i'm freaked out. Everything was so real. His body was warm as I held it. You know sometimes in dreams the people look different than who they are..or your house in your dream isn't really your house at all? Well it was Rick. Clear as day.

I was upset but happy as I held him... no one else was around, it was only me and him.
I said to him "I'll see you later" and he said "This is later" and then he twitched...went cold and didnt' say another word.

I still can't really pin-point how I feel after this dream. I don't care if every person that knows him says he doesn't like penny candy. I'm 100% positive that was him coming to say hi and say goodbye to me. Something that real and life like can't be a dream. It was frightening but I got to tell him how much I love him and how much i'm going to miss him ...something I never got to do.

I love you Ricky. Don't be shy...you can visit my dreams anytime you want...even if I cry.