Other than that...every day that the sun shines is a day I can enjoy.
Events in my life are consistently mediocre...but someday that'll change.
March 09, 2010
Spirits up. Windows down.
I continue to use my gut to decipher the secrets around me, and i'm doing a really good job.
February 26, 2010
January 31, 2010
61 years
Well it was bound to happen.
January 2010 has shit on so many people already...that it was only a matter of time before things got rocky for me.
My grandpa died a week ago and the whole situation has really fucked with me. I've been to a fair share of wakes and funerals...including 2 close friends but I have yet to feel the mourning of a family member so close to me. It's been hard for me to deal with..but I feel like i'm being selfish by being upset. Afterall...I didn't lose my companion of 61 years. It breaks my heart to see my Yaya widowed. So painful to sit and watch my grandmother weep in distress over the loss of her husband. Fuck. It's so upsetting and I fear getting married because I to will face this fate. I understand its a part of life but it still hard to swallow the idea of your love dying on you and leaving you alone after a few decades.
But you know what...when/if i'm going to get married it's going to be the real deal. I want to have a husband for 50+ years. I want my love life to be comparable to the "old days". I want a guy who will open my doors and help me put my jacket on. I posted this on FB a little bit ago and it elicited 100+ comments...most people saying "chivalry is dead. Well I think they're wrong. There has to be an old soul out there like myself who wants things done the old fashioned way still. I'm all about progression, technology and the future. But people forget and move beyond the great things of the past. Morals. Values. Thoughts. Even the music was different, how people treated one another. I definitely was born in the wrong era. Maybe I appreciate the vintage days because I was raised on a lot of stuff from the 50's and 60's. I spent a lottt of time with my grandparents and I wasn't watching Barney or Sesame Street. I was watching Laverne and Shirly, Happy Days, I Dream of Jeannie, Bewitched, Meet Me In St. Louis, etc. And we sat in the living room listening to his old records. Legit vinyls. I only want kids if they are raised how I was. No Hannah Montana or bullshit of the sort. They won't be listening to the trash on the radio either. I'll throw on some Sam Cooke and Ella Fitzgerald because that music is real.
I don't even now. There's s much on my mind!
WHOA... what a tangent. Moral of that rant: I miss my fucking grandpa. I miss everything about him and I'm thankful to have known someone so amazing for 23 years. Some kids don't know there grandparents at all. Some only had 10 years with them. And some never built relationships like the one I have with mine. I truly am thankful. Instead of being sad I should be happy that I had as much time with him as I did. And I should be happy to have been raised the way that I have.
January 2010 has shit on so many people already...that it was only a matter of time before things got rocky for me.
My grandpa died a week ago and the whole situation has really fucked with me. I've been to a fair share of wakes and funerals...including 2 close friends but I have yet to feel the mourning of a family member so close to me. It's been hard for me to deal with..but I feel like i'm being selfish by being upset. Afterall...I didn't lose my companion of 61 years. It breaks my heart to see my Yaya widowed. So painful to sit and watch my grandmother weep in distress over the loss of her husband. Fuck. It's so upsetting and I fear getting married because I to will face this fate. I understand its a part of life but it still hard to swallow the idea of your love dying on you and leaving you alone after a few decades.
But you know what...when/if i'm going to get married it's going to be the real deal. I want to have a husband for 50+ years. I want my love life to be comparable to the "old days". I want a guy who will open my doors and help me put my jacket on. I posted this on FB a little bit ago and it elicited 100+ comments...most people saying "chivalry is dead. Well I think they're wrong. There has to be an old soul out there like myself who wants things done the old fashioned way still. I'm all about progression, technology and the future. But people forget and move beyond the great things of the past. Morals. Values. Thoughts. Even the music was different, how people treated one another. I definitely was born in the wrong era. Maybe I appreciate the vintage days because I was raised on a lot of stuff from the 50's and 60's. I spent a lottt of time with my grandparents and I wasn't watching Barney or Sesame Street. I was watching Laverne and Shirly, Happy Days, I Dream of Jeannie, Bewitched, Meet Me In St. Louis, etc. And we sat in the living room listening to his old records. Legit vinyls. I only want kids if they are raised how I was. No Hannah Montana or bullshit of the sort. They won't be listening to the trash on the radio either. I'll throw on some Sam Cooke and Ella Fitzgerald because that music is real.
I don't even now. There's s much on my mind!
WHOA... what a tangent. Moral of that rant: I miss my fucking grandpa. I miss everything about him and I'm thankful to have known someone so amazing for 23 years. Some kids don't know there grandparents at all. Some only had 10 years with them. And some never built relationships like the one I have with mine. I truly am thankful. Instead of being sad I should be happy that I had as much time with him as I did. And I should be happy to have been raised the way that I have.
January 19, 2010
1/2 okay. 1/2 not okay
1/2 of things in my life are going well. As far as career related things I'm right where I want to be. I want my career in the hair industry to take me to every corner of my own imagination. I want to push myself beyond anything I could have imagined and continue to grow as a stylist. This is the most important thing to me. This isn't really a "career"...this is a lifestyle. My lifestyle. Cutting hair is my outward expression of creativity. Every head I touch is a blank canvas and my job is to match my vision with the clients vision to create a cohesive piece of art. I've wanted this since 8th grade and it's crazy that it's happening. I've literally dreamed and fantasized of behind behind the chair and now I'm 5 months into it. It's unreal to me when I step back and see that my goal of 8 years is underway!
Fucking shit.
The other half of my life that is not going so well is trivial really and it's ridiculous that I'm even letting something so out of my hands get into my head. I've been single for over 2 years. I don't even know what to make of it. It's not that I want to force jumping into another relationship but I would think..that after 2 years and a lot of change in my surroundings might let me meet someone? And it's not that I couldn't acquire a boyfriend...because I could, people have showed/told me their interest in me. But for SOME reason...the lovely gentlemen that are interested IN ME do not match the gentlemen I WANT as a companion. WHY IS THIS.
Oh wait..my favorite part is when I like someone...they show interest...everything is rad between us, then it gets ripped out from under me. That's awesome. It's happened twice so far and I always get left with the shit end of the stick. Somehow.
I'm surrounded by all these goddamn relationships with their PDA, facebook updates "with my babyyyy <3" and cute fucking make out pictures. PUKE PUKE PUKE. I feel like someone is literally rubbing shit in my face, winking at me, and then walking away hand in hand with their lover. I feel as though I have a lot to offer and I've crossed the paths of some who I thought would be a good match and it fell apart. Everyone tells me I like douche bags but I don't think that's the case. I'm not sure what the issue is..and I'm not going to try and figure it out.
There's nothing fucking wrong with me, right? I don't know.
Ugh..someone caught my eye recently but I'm not acting upon it. I can't. I'm all set with being let down again. I don't know what i'm going to do..but I know i'm going to do nothing.
Fucking shit.
The other half of my life that is not going so well is trivial really and it's ridiculous that I'm even letting something so out of my hands get into my head. I've been single for over 2 years. I don't even know what to make of it. It's not that I want to force jumping into another relationship but I would think..that after 2 years and a lot of change in my surroundings might let me meet someone? And it's not that I couldn't acquire a boyfriend...because I could, people have showed/told me their interest in me. But for SOME reason...the lovely gentlemen that are interested IN ME do not match the gentlemen I WANT as a companion. WHY IS THIS.
Oh wait..my favorite part is when I like someone...they show interest...everything is rad between us, then it gets ripped out from under me. That's awesome. It's happened twice so far and I always get left with the shit end of the stick. Somehow.
I'm surrounded by all these goddamn relationships with their PDA, facebook updates "with my babyyyy <3" and cute fucking make out pictures. PUKE PUKE PUKE. I feel like someone is literally rubbing shit in my face, winking at me, and then walking away hand in hand with their lover. I feel as though I have a lot to offer and I've crossed the paths of some who I thought would be a good match and it fell apart. Everyone tells me I like douche bags but I don't think that's the case. I'm not sure what the issue is..and I'm not going to try and figure it out.
There's nothing fucking wrong with me, right? I don't know.
Ugh..someone caught my eye recently but I'm not acting upon it. I can't. I'm all set with being let down again. I don't know what i'm going to do..but I know i'm going to do nothing.
January 03, 2010
Maybe this year......
Maybe this year I'll get myself off of the floor.
Maybe I won't .
Things might get better, yeah I might change
But I don't care at all
And maybe this year I'll get myself off of the floor
And try to pretend
That things are getting better, that I'm changing
But I still feel the same
I still feel the same
-------------------------------------------
Maybe I won't .
Things might get better, yeah I might change
But I don't care at all
And maybe this year I'll get myself off of the floor
And try to pretend
That things are getting better, that I'm changing
But I still feel the same
I still feel the same
-------------------------------------------
Oh January. You create a lot of hype and allow a lot of promises to be broken. Everyone's false hopes for the year are disguised as resolutions. Every year i'm anti-resolution because I feel that every day is a new day and you can make positive changes in your life every single day you wake up. 01/01/2010 is the same as 05/09/2009, which is the same as 07/25/1998. They're numbers, assigned to a day, which is only really relevant in terms of timing/scheduling things.
So twenty-ten...i'm holding true to my resolution...of not making a resolution because everyday is a day to start fresh, move on from your mistakes and make new choices to positively influence your life. I don't like being unrealistic and I think I'll skip the disappointment factor of a broken resoltuon to myself. Think about your resolution from last year..or the year before...and now think if you actually followed through with that after 3 months. I doubt it.
I know what I need to do to make myself a better person and improve upon my flaws. I don't need January 1st as a marker for self improvement..just sayin
So twenty-ten...i'm holding true to my resolution...of not making a resolution because everyday is a day to start fresh, move on from your mistakes and make new choices to positively influence your life. I don't like being unrealistic and I think I'll skip the disappointment factor of a broken resoltuon to myself. Think about your resolution from last year..or the year before...and now think if you actually followed through with that after 3 months. I doubt it.
I know what I need to do to make myself a better person and improve upon my flaws. I don't need January 1st as a marker for self improvement..just sayin
December 26, 2009
I'm a wishful thinker with the best intentions
I've been lucky enough to have some really solid conversations with my best friend and it couldn't have come at a better time because I've been in limbo lately. I've been getting inside my own head a lot and really starting to fuck with my own thoughts and it's causing the root of my problems.
For one thing I need to start taking everything as it comes and not leading myself down a path of false thoughts. I'm giving myself anxiety by over analyzing, anticipating and expecting certain outcomes and it's gotten the best of me. I've also been playing games with myself trying to change the outcomes of situations and forcing others to occur. I'm not sure if any of this will make sense to anyone else...but it doesn't really have to.
If I stop trying to force certain outcomes to arise then I can't expect them to go a certain way...therefore I can't get disappointed. If I stop getting mad and having anxiety over situations that I assume happen, that aren't even necessarily true, I think i'll be a lot better off.
I'm done psyching myself out.
I'm done having bad intentions.
and I'm just going to put forth positive energy and base my choices solely on having positive intentions, not because I'm trying to sway a situation or influence specific results. I set myself up for failure when I do that.
Honesty & Positivity. That's how I roll.
For one thing I need to start taking everything as it comes and not leading myself down a path of false thoughts. I'm giving myself anxiety by over analyzing, anticipating and expecting certain outcomes and it's gotten the best of me. I've also been playing games with myself trying to change the outcomes of situations and forcing others to occur. I'm not sure if any of this will make sense to anyone else...but it doesn't really have to.
If I stop trying to force certain outcomes to arise then I can't expect them to go a certain way...therefore I can't get disappointed. If I stop getting mad and having anxiety over situations that I assume happen, that aren't even necessarily true, I think i'll be a lot better off.
I'm done psyching myself out.
I'm done having bad intentions.
and I'm just going to put forth positive energy and base my choices solely on having positive intentions, not because I'm trying to sway a situation or influence specific results. I set myself up for failure when I do that.
Honesty & Positivity. That's how I roll.
December 09, 2009
November 28, 2009
Where's the decency?
I'm unsure as to why it's so hard for us as human beings to be decent people. The lack of respect we show towards others is pretty gross. I've done and said some rude, nasty things to people but I'm trying really hard to act my age and be a step above that. It's not worth it anymore! The energy that people put forth into being assholes is a waste. If you don't like someone-don't talk to them. Don't hang around them. Problem solved.
I don't believe in God and I'm not sure what my "purpose" is here, but as far as I'm concerned we all just need to be good, everyday. Tolerant, respectful, kind, and patient. If we can accomplish that then I'd say we're on our way to becoming solid people. I'm just choosing not to partake in fighting, name calling and negativity. Of course there will be the very few exceptions where someone deserves to get rocked but that's rare. We need to think about our actions toward one another and practice the simplistic task called, COMMON COURTESY !
Make it happen.
I don't believe in God and I'm not sure what my "purpose" is here, but as far as I'm concerned we all just need to be good, everyday. Tolerant, respectful, kind, and patient. If we can accomplish that then I'd say we're on our way to becoming solid people. I'm just choosing not to partake in fighting, name calling and negativity. Of course there will be the very few exceptions where someone deserves to get rocked but that's rare. We need to think about our actions toward one another and practice the simplistic task called, COMMON COURTESY !
Make it happen.
November 09, 2009
My internet has been down and so have my spirits.
I'm such a positive pessimist. Lately everything has been super stressful between work, apt life and school. Nothing seems to be fitting together like it used to and that's pushing way heavy on my chest. Regardless of how lost I feel at the current moment..and in the past few weeks i'm going to shut up and take two seconds to appreciate something positive.
Over the past month..give or take... i've met some really awesome new people. I like to think i'm outgoing and social but when it comes to meeting new people and actually keeping in touch with them enough to call them friends is where I fall pretty flat. Reason behind this? I feel like i'm not worth these people's time. Everyone has their own circle of friends and why do they need me if I don't even live in the same city or state. DUDEEE such a bad outlook. What's wrong with me?
Well that's fucking stupid of me and I'm done. I met these three dudes from Albany a few weeks ago and they're rad. Two of them are stylists which is so nice to have someone to talk to about hair that isn't at my academy. We had such a good time when they came to Providence and it was really refreshing. Then I met these two dudes in Allston who, unfortuntely are moving to NYC. But they came and hung out with me and it was a good time..so happy I wasn't bitchy to guys approaching me at a bar/club..which is usually what I do..sorry.
I always say I don't know anybody anywhere but now I know 5 guys in NY and its cool.
Shit...I forgot to mention my two roommates! Kate's from Florida and she's awesome. I feel as though we're on the same page 100% of the time..the only difference between us is that she loves animals way more than me ha. And Joe is the biggest sweetheart ever. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he doesn't move to Allston when he comes back from tour because I really like being in his company.
I love and miss my friends from home dearly. But i'm really starting to appreciate meeting new people and talking and just enjoying more diverse company. It makes me feel good and no matter how troubled I feel i'm building a nice new support system of good people down here.
Over the past month..give or take... i've met some really awesome new people. I like to think i'm outgoing and social but when it comes to meeting new people and actually keeping in touch with them enough to call them friends is where I fall pretty flat. Reason behind this? I feel like i'm not worth these people's time. Everyone has their own circle of friends and why do they need me if I don't even live in the same city or state. DUDEEE such a bad outlook. What's wrong with me?
Well that's fucking stupid of me and I'm done. I met these three dudes from Albany a few weeks ago and they're rad. Two of them are stylists which is so nice to have someone to talk to about hair that isn't at my academy. We had such a good time when they came to Providence and it was really refreshing. Then I met these two dudes in Allston who, unfortuntely are moving to NYC. But they came and hung out with me and it was a good time..so happy I wasn't bitchy to guys approaching me at a bar/club..which is usually what I do..sorry.
I always say I don't know anybody anywhere but now I know 5 guys in NY and its cool.
Shit...I forgot to mention my two roommates! Kate's from Florida and she's awesome. I feel as though we're on the same page 100% of the time..the only difference between us is that she loves animals way more than me ha. And Joe is the biggest sweetheart ever. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he doesn't move to Allston when he comes back from tour because I really like being in his company.
I love and miss my friends from home dearly. But i'm really starting to appreciate meeting new people and talking and just enjoying more diverse company. It makes me feel good and no matter how troubled I feel i'm building a nice new support system of good people down here.
September 28, 2009
Can't keep up
Lately i've been trying to work on the whole anxiety thing...I think it's going decently well. I'm not fucking medicating myself so I have to find other options. So far....deep breathing and rational thinking are helping me scrape along.
My new life got off to a rocky little start but appears to be shaping up. One problem I currently have is making my money stretch. But i'm not dirt broke...and I'm not wasting away so I guess my complaints about money are trivial.
Another issue that sits heavy on my mind is not being part of everything going on at home. I miss being around those who make me the happiest..and although i'm making friends down here in Providence I feel like I can't 100% be myself. I don't feel as comfortable around these people and it's a shitty feeling not knowing who you can open up to. All my friends at home are back at school and are too busy to talk to me..nevermind come visit me. I miss talking to my best friends everyday and visiting my aunt. I'm not that far away....but I'm far enough out that I feel like I can't keep up with my old life.
I keep saying how I want to up and move to California but how can I? I'm stressing so much about whats happening an hour away...god knows how i'll cope being across the entire country.
I keep telling myself that I just need to focus on school and work and accomplishing my goals but it doesn't seem to matter if I don't have the friends to share my happiness with. My friends are important to me and the relationships I have with them are beyond words.
My new life got off to a rocky little start but appears to be shaping up. One problem I currently have is making my money stretch. But i'm not dirt broke...and I'm not wasting away so I guess my complaints about money are trivial.
Another issue that sits heavy on my mind is not being part of everything going on at home. I miss being around those who make me the happiest..and although i'm making friends down here in Providence I feel like I can't 100% be myself. I don't feel as comfortable around these people and it's a shitty feeling not knowing who you can open up to. All my friends at home are back at school and are too busy to talk to me..nevermind come visit me. I miss talking to my best friends everyday and visiting my aunt. I'm not that far away....but I'm far enough out that I feel like I can't keep up with my old life.
I keep saying how I want to up and move to California but how can I? I'm stressing so much about whats happening an hour away...god knows how i'll cope being across the entire country.
I keep telling myself that I just need to focus on school and work and accomplishing my goals but it doesn't seem to matter if I don't have the friends to share my happiness with. My friends are important to me and the relationships I have with them are beyond words.
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