I think too much

I'm over thinking a lot. I always appear to be stressing out over numerous things at any given time when everyone around me seems at ease. I'm a ball of stress all the time. I hate this. Today I have good reason..I have my state board written examination to get my cosmetology license. This has been a goal of mine since 8th grade and the thought of fucking up scares me.

Not only is the direction of my career eating away at me ...my personal life is out of whack too. I'm entirely mixed up on what I should be doing and who I should honestly devote my time to. Plus there's someone that keeps crossing my mind more often than not but i'm scared to pursue anything......

Can't keep up

Lately i've been trying to work on the whole anxiety thing...I think it's going decently well. I'm not fucking medicating myself so I have to find other options. So far....deep breathing and rational thinking are helping me scrape along.

My new life got off to a rocky little start but appears to be shaping up. One problem I currently have is making my money stretch. But i'm not dirt broke...and I'm not wasting away so I guess my complaints about money are trivial.

Another issue that sits heavy on my mind is not being part of everything going on at home. I miss being around those who make me the happiest..and although i'm making friends down here in Providence I feel like I can't 100% be myself. I don't feel as comfortable around these people and it's a shitty feeling not knowing who you can open up to. All my friends at home are back at school and are too busy to talk to me..nevermind come visit me. I miss talking to my best friends everyday and visiting my aunt. I'm not that far away....but I'm far enough out that I feel like I can't keep up with my old life.

I keep saying how I want to up and move to California but how can I? I'm stressing so much about whats happening an hour away...god knows how i'll cope being across the entire country.

I keep telling myself that I just need to focus on school and work and accomplishing my goals but it doesn't seem to matter if I don't have the friends to share my happiness with. My friends are important to me and the relationships I have with them are beyond words.

Don't read this..it'll be too long

It's almost September. This means fall is creeping in.
The nights filled with cool air open my head and let all these memories pour out.
Autumn is my favorite time of year. Period. I can't really explain what this season does to me but it's nuts.

I drove home to Westy tonight with my sun roof open but heat on low because the breeze was chilly, and a song came on that reminded me of the past. It just jogged my memory of when I was with Tom. The song and smell of the air reminded me of a day when we were walking down the streets of Keene, hand in hand, drinking cider as the dried leaves crinkled under our feet. Thinking about this made me cry like a fucking sappy bitch. It was bittersweet. For one it reminded me how happy I used to be and how awesome it is to be in love. On the other hand it sucked realizing I don't have that in my life anymore and I'll have to spend another fall by myself. I don't have time for a boyfriend and I don't want to force finding one. But it was nice rememeber how safe I felt wrapped up with him. How comfortable I felt laying on the porch under a blanket just looking at the stars.

Ugh I dunno I just feel weird right now.

I feel out of step. Outsiders may not see it but I feel so off kilter! Like ..I don't know. Everything is so routine right now and yet I feel so all over the place I'm on my way to making my dream reality but I feel really lost. Almost empty feeling. Basically I feel like shit kinda. I need to get out of my own head. Being home I thought would be good for me but it just made me realize how much i'm NOT ready to let go of my family, friends, and life up here. I hate change. I hate it so fucking bad! I'm having serious issues dealing with the fact that i'm not back at Keene right now. My roommate is there for the semester and i'm super jealous. I miss a lot about that place and although I really like the girls at TiGi...they don't compare to the friends I have and miss terribly. Fuck. No one understands where i'm at right now and the more I dwell on the situation that remains unchangeable, the more fucked up I feel about everything.

I need to stop.

My life as an outline.

So I graduate college in 11 fucking days.
This is the most uneasy i've probably ever felt. ever.
It's like the past 7-8 years i've had this plan. An "outline" per say.


I. Highschool
a. apply to college
b. get accepted
c. enjoy your last summer

II. College
a. buy dorm furnishings
b. pick a major and minor
c. make friends
d. graduate

III. Life
a. ? move out
b. ? get a new job
c. ? go to hair school
c. leave my dad behind
d. find a new comfort zone

It's as if my computer crashed in the middle of typing roman number three.
I have an idea of what it should look like...but I can't quite remember what order and details that follow.

damn.