Nobody likes you when you're 23.

Whoa. This week has been a fucking trip. So much good mixed with bad that I can't even decide if it equals out to being a good week.The Good:

+ I got to assist another advanced education at Toni and Guy and got to hang with some amazing hairdressers that I look up to

+ Got a Keratin treatment on my hair and its SO much healthier

+ I worked at Providence Style week doing hair for the runway

+ Saw PBC and Lemuria on Friday night

+ Mental break from working at the restaurant

+ Friends are home from tour for a weekish

The Bad:

- I lost money by not working all week

- I turned my love, Lisa's hair purple which resulted in her cutting off her platinum hair off and dying it jet black. fucking fail.

- I realized it's been a year since Ricky has died. This one really kills me. I think about him every single day and wish I could just wrap my arms around him. His picture will forever stay in my wallet. They say 'out of sight out of mind' but I never want him that for him.

- I'm almost done at Toni and Guy. 1 week left. I'm going to miss SO many outstanding people

arighaeurghjaergjerag

I want to go to Six Flags on Friday. and I need to book my flight to Arkansas.

I also need to get my license for RI and then MA. ASAP!!!!!!!! so I can start at Shag..I hope?

I think too much

I'm over thinking a lot. I always appear to be stressing out over numerous things at any given time when everyone around me seems at ease. I'm a ball of stress all the time. I hate this. Today I have good reason..I have my state board written examination to get my cosmetology license. This has been a goal of mine since 8th grade and the thought of fucking up scares me.

Not only is the direction of my career eating away at me ...my personal life is out of whack too. I'm entirely mixed up on what I should be doing and who I should honestly devote my time to. Plus there's someone that keeps crossing my mind more often than not but i'm scared to pursue anything......

Defeated.

Can't keep up

Lately i've been trying to work on the whole anxiety thing...I think it's going decently well. I'm not fucking medicating myself so I have to find other options. So far....deep breathing and rational thinking are helping me scrape along.

My new life got off to a rocky little start but appears to be shaping up. One problem I currently have is making my money stretch. But i'm not dirt broke...and I'm not wasting away so I guess my complaints about money are trivial.

Another issue that sits heavy on my mind is not being part of everything going on at home. I miss being around those who make me the happiest..and although i'm making friends down here in Providence I feel like I can't 100% be myself. I don't feel as comfortable around these people and it's a shitty feeling not knowing who you can open up to. All my friends at home are back at school and are too busy to talk to me..nevermind come visit me. I miss talking to my best friends everyday and visiting my aunt. I'm not that far away....but I'm far enough out that I feel like I can't keep up with my old life.

I keep saying how I want to up and move to California but how can I? I'm stressing so much about whats happening an hour away...god knows how i'll cope being across the entire country.

I keep telling myself that I just need to focus on school and work and accomplishing my goals but it doesn't seem to matter if I don't have the friends to share my happiness with. My friends are important to me and the relationships I have with them are beyond words.

Piss off ignorant humans...

Every so often my mind is blown but the abundance of ignorant fucks that still exist out there.
It's 2009.
We have electric cars, nuclear weapons, spaceships and brains....yet still there are people who somehow, can't handle a minuscule piece of metal hanging out of my nose. GO FIGURE!?

If you don't like my septum piercing..COOL. It's not in your face so why worry about it. And I don't really care if you don't like it..the bigger issue is why do some people feel that they have such entitlement as to say whatever they want to whomever...even a complete stranger? I would NEVER insult a stranger to their face in passing. Who the fuuuuck do you think you are anyway?

Like..uhh have some regard for peoples feelings, choices... etc.

This goes out to the homeless man on Newbury St. asking me how I can even breath?
the guy on Las Vegas Blvd. saying "I didn't know there were bulls in Vegas"
the old man at the 4th of July party telling me i'm not beautiful
the foreign Irish kid at the cape insulting me to my face after asking me for a lighter.

I hope you all rot. It's not that I don't have thick skin..I can handle whatever you say to me. But your close minded pathetic opinions are what make you scum. You have no right to put someone down...especially when you're a homeless bum shaking your fucking cup in my face asking me for fucking money? Are you serious?!

I contemplated taking it out because i'm kind of over it..but i'm not going to. I'm keeping it because 1. its not a big deal 2. people need to learn tolerance. This isn't the 1900's. People have the free will to be creative and express themselves and for everyone who doesn't accept it..you're going to have to start. So let it begin with me.

Building a house of anxiety

Right now there's a lot going on for me and new things keep jumping on my plate and it's making me freak!

I start my new job today and I hate unfamiliar things so my anxiety is pretty high right now and I don't want to go! But I have to and it's making feel super uncomfortable. I've been excited to move to Providence for months and now that it's here I don't want to! I have had the best summer ever and I have to be a big girl and give it all up come August 1st because I will be insanley busy.

Recap of my past week:
July 4: went to a wedding, went to drew's party, went pool hopping. 4:30a.m. bedtime
July 5: rope swinging with my favorites
July 6: hung with melissa and laid out and pool hopping i think?
July 7: worked, movies with the boys, parking lot hangout session, 3:30a.m. bedtime
July 8: went to the quarries with the boyyss
July 9: bistro with ash and ben, then went to more bars
July 10: worked, partieddddd at ian's, had some more fun, 4:45a.m. bedtime
July11: went to the beach the my loves then work (over an hour & 1/2 late)
July 12: went to the cape with my lady friends
July 13: beach at the cape, home, quarries

and this is just what I remember doing! My summer has been awesome and i'm a baby and don't want to give it up. But I was reminded today when I received my college diploma in the mail that growing up is inevitable. Now my chest feels heavy I don't feel right. I want to wake up and have it be a new day already.

open water, open road, open heart

Oh wow I'm a college graduate. I should feel decently accomplished by this and yet, I don't.
College wasn't my dream...but I did it because well I don't know, my family wanted me to. I'm glad I finished though.

Whatevs, it's over and I have a huge portion of life to live and it's completely open from here on out.

All I know* is that I want to cut some fucking hair and travel. If I could do that in any combination for the rest of my life, i'd be content. And if "love" weaseled it's way in at some point I suppose i'd be okay with that however i'm absolutely not counting on that considering i'm not convinced it exists anymore.

I've been in one relationship and i'm 22.I don't know if this is good or bad. I mean i've had a lot of 'me time' which is awesome because that's rare once youre married and tied down. I don't know how I exactly feel about being single all the time. Everytime I look around I see a damn couple and they're happy and stupidly adorable together and it's depressing.
Then I think, fuck it I don't need somebody else to make me happy. And then again it's so nice to just have someone there knowing you can count on them when all else fails.

My standards are high and yet i'm not hard to please.
Ugh, I'm just happy I don't settle because that's pathetic and weak.
I just can't seem to figure out how and why people find new relationships a few months after their last. I'm going on 2 years since my last, so clearly I don't like to jump into anything.

I'm just wondering-where is everyone? Why are you so hard to find?

*all I know is 3 separate words and not allsiknow. there is no plural!

My life as an outline.

So I graduate college in 11 fucking days.
This is the most uneasy i've probably ever felt. ever.
It's like the past 7-8 years i've had this plan. An "outline" per say.


I. Highschool
a. apply to college
b. get accepted
c. enjoy your last summer

II. College
a. buy dorm furnishings
b. pick a major and minor
c. make friends
d. graduate

III. Life
a. ? move out
b. ? get a new job
c. ? go to hair school
c. leave my dad behind
d. find a new comfort zone

It's as if my computer crashed in the middle of typing roman number three.
I have an idea of what it should look like...but I can't quite remember what order and details that follow.

damn.

Warm air...

I love the arrival of Spring.
The warm air literally changes things inside my body.
I get a warm feeling throughout and I feel like my whole body is smiling.
Little neurons are firing and endorphins are leaping through my synapses.
Spring, Summer and Fall are generally when i'm happiest.
...and I just like sharing these seasons with people. I've been cooped up all winter!
I just like being around people and doing fun things.
With my move to Rhode Island I hope that I can still have people to share all of this with.
I look forward to sitting outside and reading.
Going to the beach and relaxing.
Packing a lunch and just finding somewhere nice to eat it.
Grabbing coffee and walking forever.
sigh.

Morrissey..

he's a gem. 

I can't wait to see him (twice) at the end of this month with sissy pants.

But yesterday I was in Newbury Comics..which is weird..I never go there...

but there was a magazine with an interview/article with him and I wish that I had bought it.

He pretty much had the best logic about finding the importance of life. 

And due to the fact that I have the worst memory ever..i'm not going to try and remember it.

But it's just funny.. life that is. In almost all cases it's kind of a joke.

The daily worries and woes people have. a joke.

The dead end 9-5 job. a joke.

The quest for finding love. a fuckkking joke.

I don't know why I woke up kind cynical this morning. 

I slept decently well with my only love Sleazy. 

Eh...it's Saturday. I need coffee.