Don't read this..it'll be too long

It's almost September. This means fall is creeping in.
The nights filled with cool air open my head and let all these memories pour out.
Autumn is my favorite time of year. Period. I can't really explain what this season does to me but it's nuts.

I drove home to Westy tonight with my sun roof open but heat on low because the breeze was chilly, and a song came on that reminded me of the past. It just jogged my memory of when I was with Tom. The song and smell of the air reminded me of a day when we were walking down the streets of Keene, hand in hand, drinking cider as the dried leaves crinkled under our feet. Thinking about this made me cry like a fucking sappy bitch. It was bittersweet. For one it reminded me how happy I used to be and how awesome it is to be in love. On the other hand it sucked realizing I don't have that in my life anymore and I'll have to spend another fall by myself. I don't have time for a boyfriend and I don't want to force finding one. But it was nice rememeber how safe I felt wrapped up with him. How comfortable I felt laying on the porch under a blanket just looking at the stars.

Ugh I dunno I just feel weird right now.

I feel out of step. Outsiders may not see it but I feel so off kilter! Like ..I don't know. Everything is so routine right now and yet I feel so all over the place I'm on my way to making my dream reality but I feel really lost. Almost empty feeling. Basically I feel like shit kinda. I need to get out of my own head. Being home I thought would be good for me but it just made me realize how much i'm NOT ready to let go of my family, friends, and life up here. I hate change. I hate it so fucking bad! I'm having serious issues dealing with the fact that i'm not back at Keene right now. My roommate is there for the semester and i'm super jealous. I miss a lot about that place and although I really like the girls at TiGi...they don't compare to the friends I have and miss terribly. Fuck. No one understands where i'm at right now and the more I dwell on the situation that remains unchangeable, the more fucked up I feel about everything.

I need to stop.

I want to rewind and say goodbye.

I'm feeling pretty down right about now. Woke up at 8:30am to a phone call relaying terrible news. It's probably not a good thing that when I get a phone call that early I automatically know what the call is. It's just trying to figure out who the calls about before they tell me that's the hard part.

For a town as small as mine and a class that's even smaller there's no fucking reason why 4 of my classmates have died 2 of which were good friends. Ricky is such a sweetheart. Always smiling, upbeat and cracking jokes about you to your face cause it's funny.

If only I had known you were at the Bistro last night I would have come in for a drink, a hug and a goodbye. Everyone who knew you will miss you because you were so fun to be around, always positive too. You and Jim were one in the same. Both of you were such awesome fucking people who never said a bad word about anyone and in turn no one could say anything bad about you. People always tend to say that when someone dies but with you (and Jim) its the truth, and losing both of you affects a ton of people (sadly the same group of kids).

I'm devastated that you can't make fun of me anymore or meet up for a few drinks but i'm lucky enough to have shared the past 10 years with you snowboarding, hanging at Scotty's beach and boozing. It's too bad that poor choices lead to poor consequences. If you knew how much you meant to so many people maybe things would have ended differently.

Every day I will drive by that spot and think of you. That spot will remind me how valuable life is and how good it is to have close friends.

Now Jim will have some company and you guys can laugh and keep a watchful eye on the rest of us. I'll see you in my dreams cause Jim always pops in to wave and say hi. We'll miss you terribly Ricky.