It's almost September. This means fall is creeping in.
The nights filled with cool air open my head and let all these memories pour out.
Autumn is my favorite time of year. Period. I can't really explain what this season does to me but it's nuts.
I drove home to Westy tonight with my sun roof open but heat on low because the breeze was chilly, and a song came on that reminded me of the past. It just jogged my memory of when I was with Tom. The song and smell of the air reminded me of a day when we were walking down the streets of Keene, hand in hand, drinking cider as the dried leaves crinkled under our feet. Thinking about this made me cry like a fucking sappy bitch. It was bittersweet. For one it reminded me how happy I used to be and how awesome it is to be in love. On the other hand it sucked realizing I don't have that in my life anymore and I'll have to spend another fall by myself. I don't have time for a boyfriend and I don't want to force finding one. But it was nice rememeber how safe I felt wrapped up with him. How comfortable I felt laying on the porch under a blanket just looking at the stars.
Ugh I dunno I just feel weird right now.
I feel out of step. Outsiders may not see it but I feel so off kilter! Like ..I don't know. Everything is so routine right now and yet I feel so all over the place I'm on my way to making my dream reality but I feel really lost. Almost empty feeling. Basically I feel like shit kinda. I need to get out of my own head. Being home I thought would be good for me but it just made me realize how much i'm NOT ready to let go of my family, friends, and life up here. I hate change. I hate it so fucking bad! I'm having serious issues dealing with the fact that i'm not back at Keene right now. My roommate is there for the semester and i'm super jealous. I miss a lot about that place and although I really like the girls at TiGi...they don't compare to the friends I have and miss terribly. Fuck. No one understands where i'm at right now and the more I dwell on the situation that remains unchangeable, the more fucked up I feel about everything.
I need to stop.
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I was going to comment this a couple days ago when I first saw it but I decided not to because well, you would think I was a weirdo. But I realized I don't really care what you think of me, you probably already think I am weird. I know it is nice knowing someone actually reads things you take the time to write. You may not feel that way but hell.. you never know. Anyway, I know how you feel about the whole not having someone thing. [Yes, I read the whole thing lol.] It does suck, but love will find you. Probably when you aren't even looking for it. Probably when you need it most. When you have the free time. And when it finds you you will be glad you didn't force yourself into something else. Because when you let love find you instead of going out and trying to find it, it's always ten times better. Someday you will find someone that deserves you. It takes time. Just try and focus on the things you love instead of trying to find someone to love. It's a huge help. Also, change is good sometimes, even if it doesn't feel that way. Good friends and family will always be there. Keep your head up. Things will work out in the end. Good luck hon.
ReplyDelete[Sorry, I know this is long and you could probably care less about anything I even wrote.]
thanks. i mean im not trying to go searching for love but im just confused as to why it avoids me. its weird.
ReplyDeletebut its nice to know people actually read this. i appreciate it
It's not avoiding you..it's just lost. Everyone and thing that gets lost eventually gets where it's trying to go though.
ReplyDeleteAnd no problem :)