Don't read this..it'll be too long

It's almost September. This means fall is creeping in.
The nights filled with cool air open my head and let all these memories pour out.
Autumn is my favorite time of year. Period. I can't really explain what this season does to me but it's nuts.

I drove home to Westy tonight with my sun roof open but heat on low because the breeze was chilly, and a song came on that reminded me of the past. It just jogged my memory of when I was with Tom. The song and smell of the air reminded me of a day when we were walking down the streets of Keene, hand in hand, drinking cider as the dried leaves crinkled under our feet. Thinking about this made me cry like a fucking sappy bitch. It was bittersweet. For one it reminded me how happy I used to be and how awesome it is to be in love. On the other hand it sucked realizing I don't have that in my life anymore and I'll have to spend another fall by myself. I don't have time for a boyfriend and I don't want to force finding one. But it was nice rememeber how safe I felt wrapped up with him. How comfortable I felt laying on the porch under a blanket just looking at the stars.

Ugh I dunno I just feel weird right now.

I feel out of step. Outsiders may not see it but I feel so off kilter! Like ..I don't know. Everything is so routine right now and yet I feel so all over the place I'm on my way to making my dream reality but I feel really lost. Almost empty feeling. Basically I feel like shit kinda. I need to get out of my own head. Being home I thought would be good for me but it just made me realize how much i'm NOT ready to let go of my family, friends, and life up here. I hate change. I hate it so fucking bad! I'm having serious issues dealing with the fact that i'm not back at Keene right now. My roommate is there for the semester and i'm super jealous. I miss a lot about that place and although I really like the girls at TiGi...they don't compare to the friends I have and miss terribly. Fuck. No one understands where i'm at right now and the more I dwell on the situation that remains unchangeable, the more fucked up I feel about everything.

I need to stop.

Restaurants and Salons

I have never been so busy in my whole life...and no i'm not complaining...i'm so fucking thankful to 1. have a job and 2. be able to start doing what i love most. HOWEVER, that being said...i'm so fucking drained and have no life.
Let me give you a rundown on my Providence lifestyle (starting with today):

Sunday: work 4-11
Monday: work 4-11
Tuesday: school 8-4 //on call for work
Wednesday: school 8-4
Thursday: school 8-4 // work 5-12am
Friday: school 8-4 // work 5:30-10
Saturday: school 8-4 // on call

Sunday: work 11:30 til whenever
Monday: work 4:30-12am
Tuesday: school 8-4 // on call for work
Wednesday: school 8-4 //
Thursday: school 8-4// work 4- 12am
Friday: school 8-4 //work 4:30 til 10
Saturday: school 8-4 // maybe seeing blink if i can get tickets


so basically i have sunday/monday afternoons to hang or wed night. COOL.
weekends are non existent to me.

But I really like a lot of the girls at TiGi. So im hoping at some point we can start hanging out if i ever don't work like right after class.

Piss off ignorant humans...

Every so often my mind is blown but the abundance of ignorant fucks that still exist out there.
It's 2009.
We have electric cars, nuclear weapons, spaceships and brains....yet still there are people who somehow, can't handle a minuscule piece of metal hanging out of my nose. GO FIGURE!?

If you don't like my septum piercing..COOL. It's not in your face so why worry about it. And I don't really care if you don't like it..the bigger issue is why do some people feel that they have such entitlement as to say whatever they want to whomever...even a complete stranger? I would NEVER insult a stranger to their face in passing. Who the fuuuuck do you think you are anyway?

Like..uhh have some regard for peoples feelings, choices... etc.

This goes out to the homeless man on Newbury St. asking me how I can even breath?
the guy on Las Vegas Blvd. saying "I didn't know there were bulls in Vegas"
the old man at the 4th of July party telling me i'm not beautiful
the foreign Irish kid at the cape insulting me to my face after asking me for a lighter.

I hope you all rot. It's not that I don't have thick skin..I can handle whatever you say to me. But your close minded pathetic opinions are what make you scum. You have no right to put someone down...especially when you're a homeless bum shaking your fucking cup in my face asking me for fucking money? Are you serious?!

I contemplated taking it out because i'm kind of over it..but i'm not going to. I'm keeping it because 1. its not a big deal 2. people need to learn tolerance. This isn't the 1900's. People have the free will to be creative and express themselves and for everyone who doesn't accept it..you're going to have to start. So let it begin with me.

Building a house of anxiety

Right now there's a lot going on for me and new things keep jumping on my plate and it's making me freak!

I start my new job today and I hate unfamiliar things so my anxiety is pretty high right now and I don't want to go! But I have to and it's making feel super uncomfortable. I've been excited to move to Providence for months and now that it's here I don't want to! I have had the best summer ever and I have to be a big girl and give it all up come August 1st because I will be insanley busy.

Recap of my past week:
July 4: went to a wedding, went to drew's party, went pool hopping. 4:30a.m. bedtime
July 5: rope swinging with my favorites
July 6: hung with melissa and laid out and pool hopping i think?
July 7: worked, movies with the boys, parking lot hangout session, 3:30a.m. bedtime
July 8: went to the quarries with the boyyss
July 9: bistro with ash and ben, then went to more bars
July 10: worked, partieddddd at ian's, had some more fun, 4:45a.m. bedtime
July11: went to the beach the my loves then work (over an hour & 1/2 late)
July 12: went to the cape with my lady friends
July 13: beach at the cape, home, quarries

and this is just what I remember doing! My summer has been awesome and i'm a baby and don't want to give it up. But I was reminded today when I received my college diploma in the mail that growing up is inevitable. Now my chest feels heavy I don't feel right. I want to wake up and have it be a new day already.

July fourth. mhm

The sun is out, my spirits are up...but just for today because tomorrow i'll remember that I don't have a job lined up and still might not have a place to live.

whatever, the fucking sun is out!

Last night I held you in my arms..

I just woke up crying.
I had to turn on my computer as soon as I could to write about the dream I just had.
I can't explain how I feel.

It was just Ricky and I. He was laying there in a white button down collared shirt and his hair was gelled like it was in high school. In my dream he was still dead and I knew that so I laid there holding him, hugging him and kissing him. I kept telling him how much I loved him and then he started talking back.

He told me he wanted penny candy and he laid there with his eyes closed telling me about all the kinds he liked. We both agreed that satellite wafers were the best and that they looked like alien spaceships. I started describing all the different sized jawbreakers they have at the worlds longest penny candy counter that I went to in the white mountains and told him that he should go there.

I've never talked to Ricky about penny candy ever..I couldn't even tell you his favorite candy bar. But for some reason I had this dream and it was so vivid that i'm freaked out. Everything was so real. His body was warm as I held it. You know sometimes in dreams the people look different than who they are..or your house in your dream isn't really your house at all? Well it was Rick. Clear as day.

I was upset but happy as I held him... no one else was around, it was only me and him.
I said to him "I'll see you later" and he said "This is later" and then he twitched...went cold and didnt' say another word.

I still can't really pin-point how I feel after this dream. I don't care if every person that knows him says he doesn't like penny candy. I'm 100% positive that was him coming to say hi and say goodbye to me. Something that real and life like can't be a dream. It was frightening but I got to tell him how much I love him and how much i'm going to miss him ...something I never got to do.

I love you Ricky. Don't be shy...you can visit my dreams anytime you want...even if I cry.

I want to rewind and say goodbye.

I'm feeling pretty down right about now. Woke up at 8:30am to a phone call relaying terrible news. It's probably not a good thing that when I get a phone call that early I automatically know what the call is. It's just trying to figure out who the calls about before they tell me that's the hard part.

For a town as small as mine and a class that's even smaller there's no fucking reason why 4 of my classmates have died 2 of which were good friends. Ricky is such a sweetheart. Always smiling, upbeat and cracking jokes about you to your face cause it's funny.

If only I had known you were at the Bistro last night I would have come in for a drink, a hug and a goodbye. Everyone who knew you will miss you because you were so fun to be around, always positive too. You and Jim were one in the same. Both of you were such awesome fucking people who never said a bad word about anyone and in turn no one could say anything bad about you. People always tend to say that when someone dies but with you (and Jim) its the truth, and losing both of you affects a ton of people (sadly the same group of kids).

I'm devastated that you can't make fun of me anymore or meet up for a few drinks but i'm lucky enough to have shared the past 10 years with you snowboarding, hanging at Scotty's beach and boozing. It's too bad that poor choices lead to poor consequences. If you knew how much you meant to so many people maybe things would have ended differently.

Every day I will drive by that spot and think of you. That spot will remind me how valuable life is and how good it is to have close friends.

Now Jim will have some company and you guys can laugh and keep a watchful eye on the rest of us. I'll see you in my dreams cause Jim always pops in to wave and say hi. We'll miss you terribly Ricky.

How to you heal a cut that won't heal?

I have this cut with an annoying, reoccurring pain. It's the kind you forget about until something reopens the wound that could have potentially been on it's way to healing.

It totally doesn't help when you get shit rubbed in it either. Makes it hurt more. You'd think alcohol would make it better... you know, take away the sting a little bit? However it only enhances the pain like 3x which causes potential welling of the eyes, and tears to fall.

I'll sleep it off and wake up feeling a little better because the throbbing has diminished slightly.

Upon waking up I try to remember that 'alcohol never makes anything feel better, only worse'. It always seems like a good idea until the singeing pain reminds me that it was a poor choice...but by the time I remember it's too late and the burning has begun and I can't make it stop

I have to stop going places until this shit heals.

Terrible metaphor? Maybe.

open water, open road, open heart

Oh wow I'm a college graduate. I should feel decently accomplished by this and yet, I don't.
College wasn't my dream...but I did it because well I don't know, my family wanted me to. I'm glad I finished though.

Whatevs, it's over and I have a huge portion of life to live and it's completely open from here on out.

All I know* is that I want to cut some fucking hair and travel. If I could do that in any combination for the rest of my life, i'd be content. And if "love" weaseled it's way in at some point I suppose i'd be okay with that however i'm absolutely not counting on that considering i'm not convinced it exists anymore.

I've been in one relationship and i'm 22.I don't know if this is good or bad. I mean i've had a lot of 'me time' which is awesome because that's rare once youre married and tied down. I don't know how I exactly feel about being single all the time. Everytime I look around I see a damn couple and they're happy and stupidly adorable together and it's depressing.
Then I think, fuck it I don't need somebody else to make me happy. And then again it's so nice to just have someone there knowing you can count on them when all else fails.

My standards are high and yet i'm not hard to please.
Ugh, I'm just happy I don't settle because that's pathetic and weak.
I just can't seem to figure out how and why people find new relationships a few months after their last. I'm going on 2 years since my last, so clearly I don't like to jump into anything.

I'm just wondering-where is everyone? Why are you so hard to find?

*all I know is 3 separate words and not allsiknow. there is no plural!

Read and Consider this.

So you're the fucking tin man?
If you only had a heart.
Your eyes are rusted shut
Too caught up in yourself to start letting down your guard, or trying to discard your insulation.
You got fired before you could retire or hand in your resignation.

You better shed your skin, man, or this is going to get more frustrating.
Inhale, exhale, repeat.
But you're still asphyxiating.