Last night I held you in my arms..

I just woke up crying.
I had to turn on my computer as soon as I could to write about the dream I just had.
I can't explain how I feel.

It was just Ricky and I. He was laying there in a white button down collared shirt and his hair was gelled like it was in high school. In my dream he was still dead and I knew that so I laid there holding him, hugging him and kissing him. I kept telling him how much I loved him and then he started talking back.

He told me he wanted penny candy and he laid there with his eyes closed telling me about all the kinds he liked. We both agreed that satellite wafers were the best and that they looked like alien spaceships. I started describing all the different sized jawbreakers they have at the worlds longest penny candy counter that I went to in the white mountains and told him that he should go there.

I've never talked to Ricky about penny candy ever..I couldn't even tell you his favorite candy bar. But for some reason I had this dream and it was so vivid that i'm freaked out. Everything was so real. His body was warm as I held it. You know sometimes in dreams the people look different than who they are..or your house in your dream isn't really your house at all? Well it was Rick. Clear as day.

I was upset but happy as I held him... no one else was around, it was only me and him.
I said to him "I'll see you later" and he said "This is later" and then he twitched...went cold and didnt' say another word.

I still can't really pin-point how I feel after this dream. I don't care if every person that knows him says he doesn't like penny candy. I'm 100% positive that was him coming to say hi and say goodbye to me. Something that real and life like can't be a dream. It was frightening but I got to tell him how much I love him and how much i'm going to miss him ...something I never got to do.

I love you Ricky. Don't be shy...you can visit my dreams anytime you want...even if I cry.

I want to rewind and say goodbye.

I'm feeling pretty down right about now. Woke up at 8:30am to a phone call relaying terrible news. It's probably not a good thing that when I get a phone call that early I automatically know what the call is. It's just trying to figure out who the calls about before they tell me that's the hard part.

For a town as small as mine and a class that's even smaller there's no fucking reason why 4 of my classmates have died 2 of which were good friends. Ricky is such a sweetheart. Always smiling, upbeat and cracking jokes about you to your face cause it's funny.

If only I had known you were at the Bistro last night I would have come in for a drink, a hug and a goodbye. Everyone who knew you will miss you because you were so fun to be around, always positive too. You and Jim were one in the same. Both of you were such awesome fucking people who never said a bad word about anyone and in turn no one could say anything bad about you. People always tend to say that when someone dies but with you (and Jim) its the truth, and losing both of you affects a ton of people (sadly the same group of kids).

I'm devastated that you can't make fun of me anymore or meet up for a few drinks but i'm lucky enough to have shared the past 10 years with you snowboarding, hanging at Scotty's beach and boozing. It's too bad that poor choices lead to poor consequences. If you knew how much you meant to so many people maybe things would have ended differently.

Every day I will drive by that spot and think of you. That spot will remind me how valuable life is and how good it is to have close friends.

Now Jim will have some company and you guys can laugh and keep a watchful eye on the rest of us. I'll see you in my dreams cause Jim always pops in to wave and say hi. We'll miss you terribly Ricky.

How to you heal a cut that won't heal?

I have this cut with an annoying, reoccurring pain. It's the kind you forget about until something reopens the wound that could have potentially been on it's way to healing.

It totally doesn't help when you get shit rubbed in it either. Makes it hurt more. You'd think alcohol would make it better... you know, take away the sting a little bit? However it only enhances the pain like 3x which causes potential welling of the eyes, and tears to fall.

I'll sleep it off and wake up feeling a little better because the throbbing has diminished slightly.

Upon waking up I try to remember that 'alcohol never makes anything feel better, only worse'. It always seems like a good idea until the singeing pain reminds me that it was a poor choice...but by the time I remember it's too late and the burning has begun and I can't make it stop

I have to stop going places until this shit heals.

Terrible metaphor? Maybe.

open water, open road, open heart

Oh wow I'm a college graduate. I should feel decently accomplished by this and yet, I don't.
College wasn't my dream...but I did it because well I don't know, my family wanted me to. I'm glad I finished though.

Whatevs, it's over and I have a huge portion of life to live and it's completely open from here on out.

All I know* is that I want to cut some fucking hair and travel. If I could do that in any combination for the rest of my life, i'd be content. And if "love" weaseled it's way in at some point I suppose i'd be okay with that however i'm absolutely not counting on that considering i'm not convinced it exists anymore.

I've been in one relationship and i'm 22.I don't know if this is good or bad. I mean i've had a lot of 'me time' which is awesome because that's rare once youre married and tied down. I don't know how I exactly feel about being single all the time. Everytime I look around I see a damn couple and they're happy and stupidly adorable together and it's depressing.
Then I think, fuck it I don't need somebody else to make me happy. And then again it's so nice to just have someone there knowing you can count on them when all else fails.

My standards are high and yet i'm not hard to please.
Ugh, I'm just happy I don't settle because that's pathetic and weak.
I just can't seem to figure out how and why people find new relationships a few months after their last. I'm going on 2 years since my last, so clearly I don't like to jump into anything.

I'm just wondering-where is everyone? Why are you so hard to find?

*all I know is 3 separate words and not allsiknow. there is no plural!

Read and Consider this.

So you're the fucking tin man?
If you only had a heart.
Your eyes are rusted shut
Too caught up in yourself to start letting down your guard, or trying to discard your insulation.
You got fired before you could retire or hand in your resignation.

You better shed your skin, man, or this is going to get more frustrating.
Inhale, exhale, repeat.
But you're still asphyxiating.

My life as an outline.

So I graduate college in 11 fucking days.
This is the most uneasy i've probably ever felt. ever.
It's like the past 7-8 years i've had this plan. An "outline" per say.


I. Highschool
a. apply to college
b. get accepted
c. enjoy your last summer

II. College
a. buy dorm furnishings
b. pick a major and minor
c. make friends
d. graduate

III. Life
a. ? move out
b. ? get a new job
c. ? go to hair school
c. leave my dad behind
d. find a new comfort zone

It's as if my computer crashed in the middle of typing roman number three.
I have an idea of what it should look like...but I can't quite remember what order and details that follow.

damn.

As of late...

This is how i feel.

Erase my dreams

I'm fucking sick of dreaming.
They make me miserable they are always too realistic and generally not positive.
I wake up feeling anxious and depressed.
I hate them. I hate them. I hate them.

I think the reason for some is because you're still on my dumb brain all the time!
Leaving things the way they were left..with no apology or explanation keeps the wheels in my head turning..looking for a logical reason as to why things turned out the way they did.

I've done nothing but be awesome, fun, reasonable and giving.
Maybe you're not used to females having good qualities?

I don't know-but I wish I did

deliciousness

Lack of Spontanaiety

I like to think that i'm spontaneous..for some reason that seems like a fun quality I'd like to have.
But I've realized i'm NOT. At all.
In fact i'm super anxious when it comes to doing something that isn't in my realm.

I'm going to try and "live a little".
I should be heading back to college soon to get some work done.
But I was invited to go see He Is Legend in Natick tonight..and i'm going. This seems like no big deal to any normal person, but i'm having anxiety about not getting work done. I don't even have class today!! I feel as though i'm going to miss something important by not being at school when i'm supposed to be.

I'm so stupid, i'm not missing out on anything!
I don't have class.
I don't even have my own computer with assignments I could be working on.
Yet, I can tell my heart is beating a little faster than normal..and it will be all day. FML.
Why does my anxiety always stop me from doing anything fun?